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Things I have learned on the internet

January 18, 2007 at 2:29am

SUMMARY OF MY LAST YEAR ON THE COMPUTER

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue
on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that
needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown)
who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the
$15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating
in their special e-mail program!

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out
for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove
toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so
a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave
anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked
with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al
Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our
American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number
for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore, Belarus, and
Uzbekistan .

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my
free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now
have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown
African spider is lurking under the seat, waiting to cause me instant death when it
bites my butt.

Thank you, too, for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can
live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I might have
dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester
waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

Oh, and don't forget this one either! I can no longer drive my car because
I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon
and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy
hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of
my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in- law's second husband's cousin's
beautician..

By the way, a South American scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy
study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read
their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

Have a wonderful day....

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Less Tickle-Me-Elmo's in northside Minnesota?

December 22, 2006 at 0:53am

A friend of mine sent me this. It's pretty d--- funny.

There is a factory in northern Minnesota, which makes the Tickle Me Elmo dolls.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena was hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reported for her first day
promptly at 8:00 a.m. At 8:45 a.m., there was a knock at the personnel manager's door.

The shop foreman threw open the door and began to rant about the new employee.
He complained that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the
entire production line behind schedule.

The personnel manager decided he should see this for himself, so the two men marched
down to the factory floor. When they got there the line was really backed up so that there
were Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they were beginning to pile up fast.

At the end of the line stood Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She had a
roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The two men watched in amazement
as she cut a little piece of fabric, wrapped it around two marbles and began to carefully sew
the little package between Elmo's legs. The personnel manager burst into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulled himself together and approached Lena.

"I'm sorry," he said to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood
the instructions I gave you.


Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

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tk90's take on the big snowstorm

December 2, 2006 at 9:03pm

December 2, 2006
3:00 PM, Central US Time

You may have heard about the majour snowstorm that hit the midwest. 3 people died, over 300,000 power outages happened, and all kinds of s---. I was one of those in the path of the storm. Saint Louis, Missouri was one of the places affected by the snowstorm. And take it from me, when a power outage happens in 20 degree weather, it ain't fun. The coldness alone was enough suffering, and lack of electricity didn't help. I'm just glad it's over.

What a way to start winter 2006, huh?

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Winner of the 2006 NASCAR Nextel Cup, Jimmie Johnson!

November 21, 2006 at 9:54pm

Congrats to Jimmie, for winning the cup!

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9/11 coincidence? I think not

November 9, 2006 at 2:53am

Found this somewhere on the internet. This scared the living life out of me.

Weird 9/11 Facts

The end with the font is real, you have to try it!!!!!!!!!!!!



1) New York City has 11 letters



2) Afghanistan has 11 letters.



3) Ramsin Yuseb (The terrorist who threatened to destroy the Twin Towers in 1993) has 11 letters.



4) George W Bush has 11 letters.



5) The two twin towers make an "11"



This could be a mere coincidence, but this gets more interesting:




1) New York is the 11th state.



2) The first plane crashing against the Twin Towers was flight number 11.



3) Flight 11 was carrying 92 passengers. 9 + 2 = 11



4) Flight 77 which also hit Twin Towers, was carrying 65 passengers. 6+5 = 11



5) The tragedy was on September 11, or 9/11 as it is now known. 9 + 1+ 1 = 11



6) The date is equal to the US emergency services telephone number 911. 9 + 1 + 1 = 11.



Sheer coincidence..?! Read on and make up your own mind:
1) The total number of victims inside all the hi-jacked planes was 254. 2 + 5 + 4 = 11.



2) September 11 is day number 254 of the calendar year. Again 2 + 5 + 4 = 11.



3) The Madrid bombing took place on 3/11/2004. 3 + 1 + 1 + 2 + 4 = 11.



4) The tragedy of Madrid happened 911 days after the Twin Towers incident.



Sheer coincidence..?! Read on and make up your own mind:
Now this is where things get totally eerie:



The most recognised symbol for the US, after the Stars & Stripes, is the Eagle. The following verse is taken from the Quran, the Islamic holy book:

"For it is written that a son of Arabia would awaken a fearsome Eagle. The wrath of the Eagle would be felt throughout the lands of Allah and lo, while some of the people trembled in despair still more rejoiced: for the wrath of the Eagle cleansed the lands of Allah and there was peace."



That verse is number 9.11 of the Quran.



Still uncovinced about all of this..?! Try this and see how you feel afterwards, it made my hair stand on end:


Open Microsoft Word and do the following(TRY THIS FOR REAL)



1. Type in capitals Q33 NY. This is the flight number of the first

plane to hit one of the Twin Towers.



2. Highlight the Q33 N



3. Change the font size to 48.



4. Change the actual font to the WINGDINGS



Scary Huh??

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Miscellaneous info

User since

Oct 12, 2005 at 10:13pm

Location

Saint Louis, Missouri

Interests

Sports, comedy, music. Want specifics? Ask me.

Occupation

Professional hockey watcher/aspiring comedian

Personal bio

Hi! My name is Tom. I don't say much about myself (or try not to anyway). I never know what to put in these things anyway. Whatever you want to know, just ask me, I'll answer.

 

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