My Mommie was buried Tuesday and I am at a loss as to what I can say here.......

she suffered with ALS (Lou Gehrigs Disease) and it was terrible for her....

how I loved her so............

so glad that shes with Jesus now!

she earned her wings October 29, 2005

I am so restless. And heartbroken. I miss my Mommie, but her hubby says that I can no longer go over there. I can not go into it here, but I will just say this is one of the hardest things for me to do right now.......nothing......I am in prayer that the Lord shows Bill the light of day, and I am trying to have an open heart & I know that he is hurting.....but we could all be STILL working together to make this last part of Mommies life easier.

I know that she misses me. I just about cry every time I think of her. About a million times today I started to go over there, but I can not. I know that this is the test and that in order for me to grow I have to let go & let the Lord lead the way.

I didnt realize how much time I have been spending with Mommie, but its been a lot, and even thru all of this wind & rain I long to be with her. To sit on her bed.......but a kleenex on my head & stickers on my face, just to see that smile, and to touch her small, frail hand again....

I know I am assured that even if we never meet again this side of Heaven that we will meet in Heaven.....I also know that the Lord means not to heal her on this side of Heaven. I have come to terms with that. And that was something that only the Grace of God allowed me to do.

Oft times I am reminded of only the good times with her. I can no longer remember all of the awful things she did/said to me, or I her. It is truly drown in the Sea of Forgetfulness. And that is wonderful.

I went 3 years of my life never seeing my Mommie, and it was really hard a lot of times, but nothing like this. I dont know if its because I know that the end is going to come for her someday & they say soon, or if Im just being selfish. Probably being selfish. But I have peace with that because she is after all my Mommie, and I will only ever have one.

When I look at my children & think that someday they may see me with ALS, I am so scared for them. Because I know that their little hearts would break because you see the 3 of us have always been inseperable. I promised myself when I had children that I would break the cycle of abuse that my parents did and instead try to be the best Mommie I could, and I tell you I struggled with that until I received Jesus in my heart.

WOW yes, Jesus talks to me, and He walks with me, and I know that since I have been fighting the fight & keeping the faith, that someday I will hear Him tell me, well done. And I can withstand anything just thinking about that, why? Because if the Lord brought you to something, He can bring you thru whatever it is.

My heart is so tender, and I use to never want it to be. There was a time I never cried (unless it was just for me) and now, the Lord has softened it up, and I know why....He is molding me into what creation He wants me to be.

I am not perfect, but I know that my Mommie can rest easy knowing that her baby girl (me) got right with God, and will join her in glory. amen, that is some kind of peace for Mothers, I know...my baby girl was saved & Baptized & it was wonderful! I am awaiting my son, Mikey and my hubby Travis to make a committment. And I know that they will......because I have the faith. Jesus gave it to me.

Every single time I think about Mommie, I think of how she is suffering with ALS, and I wish that she didnt have to suffer like this, but I know that the Lord has a plan in all of this. Sometimes my little head tries to figure it out, but then I realize that its not my will, its HIS will. And HIS time.....

so, I love you Mommie, and I will definatley not be kept from you after death, no way no how. I will not be cussed out, talked terrible to, and talked terrible about there.......oh no........we will talk & fellowship for about a million years...giggles.......no one has ever seen the likes of us when we get to gabbing, have they, Mommie???

Oh how I love Jesus!

it is about 7:30 pm, and its inching closer to time for me to go to work 3rd shift........tonight is the night that the children have to go with me for about 30 mins because theres no one to watch them while hubby is at work.

I am praying that the Lord grant me serenity in this, because I can not change what is going on about my job. I pray that the Lord will open up Travis' heart so that he can see the true meaning of salvation, and the true meaning of family.

I refuse to be sad about this again today, I have spent way too much time having the POM (poor old me's) *thanks Jen for the word POM smiles* I am not a 'depressed' type of person, so I am not going to allow the devil to steal my joy in my life.

I went to go see Mommie today, and shes got bruises on her wrist. I worry about how she got it, she said she fell, and I dont know why she wont use her walker...I sure pray that she will before she falls & does terrible damage to herself.

The children I feel so sorry for, they havent grandparents here that even pay attention to them. Not one time has either set of my parents even offered to come get them for so much as a happy meal ( I know Mommie cant now )...and I dont understand why they are that way by my children.

I was feeling terribly down because no one even cared I was having these problems with my work, and the times, and the lack of sleep I was getting here, if not for my sisters at BB I dont know what I would do......I finally had a dear friend Miranda (thanks sissy) offer to take the children so I could sleep. they will never know how much that means to me.

I use to want to be something, somebody, and now I am only a woman that works 3rd shift at a discount food mart, that only has interactions with people that shes half afraid of because of the time they are coming in to the store, and the way that they behave while there....and plus all of the times Ive had the nightmare about being robbed there. I know that its just me being afraid...but I cant help it.......but I know that the Lord is with me, and if He brought me to it, He can bring me thru it.

I have to work tonight 9 hours, and tomorrow night 9 hours, and then Sunday night 9 hours...and that means I wont be here to get the children ready for school Monday morning. I can only imagine what kind of shape they will be allowed to go to school in...giggles...while my hubby is an excellent daddy, he can not put up Si'Aras hair...giggles...and she usually walks out of here a mess unless I am here to fix her up.

I will have the usual drunks, and date people in the store tonight...I will have at least one guy come in there to buy something that he will either be embarrassed to buy, or have the giggles that I am there for him to put the product on the counter & ring up....<blush>

Not to mention the people that come in there that cant speak my language wanting directions somewhere. I feel so sorry for them because I cant speak Spanish.........I know that I have forced many of them to fuss me out because I cant help them with directions. Im so silly I dont know if I could give them good directions in ENGLISH....my original dialect...giggles...or would that be language? yea, original language??? we will go with that...

I am praying that I can stay awake long enough to go to church Sun am. I sure miss it when the manager is late, and I am not on time to go or if I cant stay awake enough to drive the 35 miles to get to church. I pray that Travis gets convicted to go to church, to drive me...so far nothing though....but I am patient.......

my son, mikey

you know, in this world everyone is so caught up in themselves, and I guess Im included with that, because I am going to talk about me for a bit....lol...

I am no longer teaching Sunday School and that is sad for me because I enjoyed that particular part of my life.

but it ended up being Gods will because now I am working weekend 3rd shift at DFM ....a quick stop store......and I dislike it more than any of the jobs Ive ever had in my life......& thats saying a lot..

I love being a wife and Mother, and I am in prayer that the Lord will provide a way for me to stay home... and to soften up Travis' heart.

My Mother is still suffering with ALS (Lou Gehrigs Disease) and I am in prayer that the Lord heals her, and doesnt allow her to suffer with this disease.

The children are due to start school Thursday, and I am in prayer about those things too.

I pray that I am able to touch 1 person...just one...with what I say/do so that they will be led to Jesus......and know that HE is real......

if you meet me and forget me, you have lost nothing,
if you meet Jesus and forget Him you have lost everything.....
(read that somewhere)